Jeff and I just celebrated our 5 year anniversary and I must say that it was lovely. We each took the time to come up with a playlist/cd for each other and then spent the evening sharing it while explaining what each song meant to us in the terms of our relationship. We are not an overly romantic couple at all but this night was so very special. I am so thankful to have him in my life and so very thankful that after 12 years of knowing each other he still takes my breath away.
We have weathered so much over the years and I am looking forward to the future with him. Never a dull moment! Our latest endeavor is finding a new place for us to live. And we have exciting plans to spend New Year's Eve in New York City. I am just hoping I can physically manage to keep up with the sight seeing and playing tourist for the holiday. As long as I am up and good for my kiss at midnight I think I'll be okay :)
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
My Epic Journey Home - Part Nine and The End
So there I am in LA waiting for the bus to Fresno. Everything was delayed. I began to surf facebook to kill some time. I begin to see pictures of places very near my home completely under water. Apparently it is flooding. WTF. I text my Mum and ask her if the house is okay. She says yes, we live on high ground thankfully, but my brother's car is under 8 feet of water. So in the space of three weeks an earthquake, a hurricane, and flooding has hit where I live. I begin to think I am better off in Cali at this point. The girl next to me asks to borrow my phone and we strike up a conversation. She seems shy but very sweet. Once we finally get on the bus we don't sit together but are still close enough to talk when we feel like it. As we get closer to Fresno she seems more worried. We are behind schedule and we are now going to be getting there after dark. I know from her borrowing my phone that she is expected at an intake appointment for the women's shelter. She has asked for the address and walking directions when she was on the phone. I can tell she is not familiar with Fresno or she wouldn't be planning to walk through that area of town at night.
I call my Gran and ask her if my Aunt is picking me up and if she know's where the shelter is. Gran says actually my Aunt works on a contract with them and should know exactly where it is. So for once on this trip instead of relying on others to help me out I am able to pay it forward a bit and give this woman a safe ride to the shelter. It felt nice to help someone else out. I get to my Gran's finally around 930pm. I am so happy because I have not seen her in two years, the longest I've gone without seeing her. We are very close. In fact my whole family is close. While I spend the next week in Fresno I get to see all my Aunts, Uncles, and cousins, as well as family friends. Some of the visit is bittersweet because it just upsets my family. They knew I was not well, but seeing first hand how my health has degenerated and the pain I live in on a daily basis is shocking for them, which is painful for me. But at least I get to spend some quality time with them when I didn't think I would be able to see them at all after Burning Man. It is with a heavy heart that I get back on the bus to catch my flight in LA.
So begins that last leg of my epic journey home. I spend 5 hours on a bus to LA. Then another 30 minutes on a bus to Union Station. Then another hour on a bus to LAX. Then I check in, eat some food, head to my gate, and realize I still have another 4 hours to wait until my flight. And everyone made fun of me for bringing 6 books to Burning Man with me. I kill time reading and surfing the internet on my phone. At one point a flight lands and unloads it passengers in front of me and I swear Henry Winkler gets off the plane and passes me. Finally it is time to board. I am exhausted and in pain and of course can't sleep. It is an overnight flight but I spend the whole 5 hours awake and miserable. I land at 545am. I try to get a hold of my Mum as I disembark but no go. I finally think to call my Dad and he has actually parked and is waiting for me in the airport as I come out at baggage claim. I am so happy to be in Virginia even if I do hate living here :)
So it took almost a full month but I made it home safe and sound. Thank you to all my ePlaya friends who kept me sane while I planned my trip. Thank you to Fishy for saving me in Reno. Thank you to the Tren Way Bike Camp for being awesome friends and taking care of me on playa. Thank you Nicole and Greg for getting my stuff to LA. Thank you Danny and Mims for getting me to LA. Thank you Brendan and his sweet girlfriend for putting me up. Thank you to my cousin Sean for driving all the way to LA and grabbing/storing my stuff for me. Thank you to my parents for helping me to get a plane ticket home. Thank you to my Gran for letting me stay with her a week while I waited for my flight home. Thank you to my family for spending time with me and cheering me up. Thank you to my Dad for picking me up from the airport at such an ungodly hour. And thank you all of you who have spent some time here reading my stories, appreciating my comments, and just generally making this whole experience something to be proud of instead of freaked out about. I love you all.
I call my Gran and ask her if my Aunt is picking me up and if she know's where the shelter is. Gran says actually my Aunt works on a contract with them and should know exactly where it is. So for once on this trip instead of relying on others to help me out I am able to pay it forward a bit and give this woman a safe ride to the shelter. It felt nice to help someone else out. I get to my Gran's finally around 930pm. I am so happy because I have not seen her in two years, the longest I've gone without seeing her. We are very close. In fact my whole family is close. While I spend the next week in Fresno I get to see all my Aunts, Uncles, and cousins, as well as family friends. Some of the visit is bittersweet because it just upsets my family. They knew I was not well, but seeing first hand how my health has degenerated and the pain I live in on a daily basis is shocking for them, which is painful for me. But at least I get to spend some quality time with them when I didn't think I would be able to see them at all after Burning Man. It is with a heavy heart that I get back on the bus to catch my flight in LA.
So begins that last leg of my epic journey home. I spend 5 hours on a bus to LA. Then another 30 minutes on a bus to Union Station. Then another hour on a bus to LAX. Then I check in, eat some food, head to my gate, and realize I still have another 4 hours to wait until my flight. And everyone made fun of me for bringing 6 books to Burning Man with me. I kill time reading and surfing the internet on my phone. At one point a flight lands and unloads it passengers in front of me and I swear Henry Winkler gets off the plane and passes me. Finally it is time to board. I am exhausted and in pain and of course can't sleep. It is an overnight flight but I spend the whole 5 hours awake and miserable. I land at 545am. I try to get a hold of my Mum as I disembark but no go. I finally think to call my Dad and he has actually parked and is waiting for me in the airport as I come out at baggage claim. I am so happy to be in Virginia even if I do hate living here :)
So it took almost a full month but I made it home safe and sound. Thank you to all my ePlaya friends who kept me sane while I planned my trip. Thank you to Fishy for saving me in Reno. Thank you to the Tren Way Bike Camp for being awesome friends and taking care of me on playa. Thank you Nicole and Greg for getting my stuff to LA. Thank you Danny and Mims for getting me to LA. Thank you Brendan and his sweet girlfriend for putting me up. Thank you to my cousin Sean for driving all the way to LA and grabbing/storing my stuff for me. Thank you to my parents for helping me to get a plane ticket home. Thank you to my Gran for letting me stay with her a week while I waited for my flight home. Thank you to my family for spending time with me and cheering me up. Thank you to my Dad for picking me up from the airport at such an ungodly hour. And thank you all of you who have spent some time here reading my stories, appreciating my comments, and just generally making this whole experience something to be proud of instead of freaked out about. I love you all.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
My Epic Journey Home - Part Eight
Monday evening is fast approaching. Our camp is almost completely broken down. We are pretty sure my gear can be fit in the big truck. At this point I am without a ride. I begin checking with everyone what their riding situation is. My friend Mims, who is here from Austin, Texas with her friend Danny and Heather, points out that someone pulled out of riding with them in their van, they should have room and are going to LA. But they are leaving in a couple hours. I run over and start breaking down my camp immediately. Thankfully it only takes me about 20 minutes. I stack up the items going in the big truck and drag over my duffle and backpack to the van. We've created an open space in the back of the van where we can all fit and even lie down. There are 7 of us total in the van, 5 lying like sardines in the back. It is actually pretty comfortable. I proceed to pull out a book light and read through exodus. It was a really long one this year. Dawn is approaching as we finally leave BRC.
I nap sporadically as we drive and check my cell signal. As soon as a decent hour hits I call my friend Brendan in LA. He's always telling me I need to visit... surprise! I'll be there this afternoon. Can I crash? He tells me of course but he won't be home from work until around 630pm. I tell him we'll cross that bridge when I get to LA. We make good time, stopping occasionally for gas and food. We hit La and begin to drop off the various people where they need to be until it is only the crew from Austin and myself. They are staying at another friend's house, but we have beat that person to LA. We begin our search for a shower. All we can think about is getting clean at this point. The van and us have developed a definite funk. It takes us a while but eventually we manage to get keys to the friend's house they are staying at. Showers at last! I washed my hair three times. It was glorious.
It's about 4pm at this point and everyone wants to head out do stuff so I ask them to drop me at Brendan's house. I know he won't be home yet but I'll figure something out. I am exhausted and and in pain and when I hop out at Brendan's I totally forget my coat and cane in the van. I don't even realize this for 2 more days. I call and he tells me that his car is easy to break into and I can stash my stuff in there. Seriously? So yes, I break into my friend's car and pile my bags up in there. I then grab my purse and go exploring. His place is right in Melrose and there is plenty to reach just by walking. I sit down in a little Pho restaurant and begin stuffing my face with noodle soup and Mexican cola. It's the first real food I've had in over a week and it is delicious. Brendan meets me there after work and we head back to his apartment.
I tell him my crazy story and he says he's happy to have me stay but the bad news is his girlfriend and he are leaving for a wedding in two days. So I only have two days to figure out how to get home or find somewhere else to stay. I know I will be flying home at some point, and that means I also have to find a way to deal with all my camping gear and bike. I can't take them on the plane with me, at least not that I can afford. So I call my cousin who lives outside LA. He says he can easily come pick up and store my stuff for me but I can't stay with him because he is also leaving for a wedding in two days. Why is everyone getting married this weekend?!? I spend the rest of the night looking up flights. All way too expensive and I just give up and go to bed. Maybe things will look better in the morning.
I was completely right to sleep on it because I wake up to an email from Virgin mobile announcing special rates for the following week. I manage to get a flight home for only $120. LA to DC. Now I just need somewhere to stay for a week. I realize this is the perfect opportunity for me to see my Gran. I book a Greyhound bus to Fresno and walk up to the Target to buy a suitcase that will pass for carry on on the bus and flight. The duffle I have could fit a couple bodies and I do not want to check baggage. I somehow manage to pack all the clothes and books on my huge duffle in one small suitcase and my backpack. My lovely cousin drives out the next night and picks up my gear. My friend gives me cab fare and the next day I leave for Fresno. I am gonna get to spend an entire week with my family who I never get to see!
Coming up: Part Nine where I finally get to give some help instead of asking for it, visit with my lovely Gran, and eventually make it home to Virginia.
I nap sporadically as we drive and check my cell signal. As soon as a decent hour hits I call my friend Brendan in LA. He's always telling me I need to visit... surprise! I'll be there this afternoon. Can I crash? He tells me of course but he won't be home from work until around 630pm. I tell him we'll cross that bridge when I get to LA. We make good time, stopping occasionally for gas and food. We hit La and begin to drop off the various people where they need to be until it is only the crew from Austin and myself. They are staying at another friend's house, but we have beat that person to LA. We begin our search for a shower. All we can think about is getting clean at this point. The van and us have developed a definite funk. It takes us a while but eventually we manage to get keys to the friend's house they are staying at. Showers at last! I washed my hair three times. It was glorious.
It's about 4pm at this point and everyone wants to head out do stuff so I ask them to drop me at Brendan's house. I know he won't be home yet but I'll figure something out. I am exhausted and and in pain and when I hop out at Brendan's I totally forget my coat and cane in the van. I don't even realize this for 2 more days. I call and he tells me that his car is easy to break into and I can stash my stuff in there. Seriously? So yes, I break into my friend's car and pile my bags up in there. I then grab my purse and go exploring. His place is right in Melrose and there is plenty to reach just by walking. I sit down in a little Pho restaurant and begin stuffing my face with noodle soup and Mexican cola. It's the first real food I've had in over a week and it is delicious. Brendan meets me there after work and we head back to his apartment.
I tell him my crazy story and he says he's happy to have me stay but the bad news is his girlfriend and he are leaving for a wedding in two days. So I only have two days to figure out how to get home or find somewhere else to stay. I know I will be flying home at some point, and that means I also have to find a way to deal with all my camping gear and bike. I can't take them on the plane with me, at least not that I can afford. So I call my cousin who lives outside LA. He says he can easily come pick up and store my stuff for me but I can't stay with him because he is also leaving for a wedding in two days. Why is everyone getting married this weekend?!? I spend the rest of the night looking up flights. All way too expensive and I just give up and go to bed. Maybe things will look better in the morning.
I was completely right to sleep on it because I wake up to an email from Virgin mobile announcing special rates for the following week. I manage to get a flight home for only $120. LA to DC. Now I just need somewhere to stay for a week. I realize this is the perfect opportunity for me to see my Gran. I book a Greyhound bus to Fresno and walk up to the Target to buy a suitcase that will pass for carry on on the bus and flight. The duffle I have could fit a couple bodies and I do not want to check baggage. I somehow manage to pack all the clothes and books on my huge duffle in one small suitcase and my backpack. My lovely cousin drives out the next night and picks up my gear. My friend gives me cab fare and the next day I leave for Fresno. I am gonna get to spend an entire week with my family who I never get to see!
Coming up: Part Nine where I finally get to give some help instead of asking for it, visit with my lovely Gran, and eventually make it home to Virginia.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
My Epic Journey Home - Part Seven
Okay the next couple days blur together a little bit. I know at some point I found Fishy's run over by a car water bottle behind our bar and trudged off to Terminal City to return it. I know after I did that I spotted someone I thought I recognized coming out of a camp and sure enough it was Foxfur. We had a quick hug and chat in the middle of the road. I must say it was a little like meeting a celebrity. Here is someone I read about online, see occasional pictures of, and have an idea of who they are in my head, but don't know for sure. I hope he enjoyed meeting me and that I made some sense as I talked because I honestly have no idea what I said to him. I was nervous and hopefully not gushing. I'm pretty sure I don't gush, but you never know.
As Thursday approached I was super excited to go to the Meet n' Greet at Barbie Death Camp. I awoke Thursday with dread in my heart because I was in crazy amounts of pain. I honestly didn't do much and rested a lot but as the MnG approached I knew I needed medicinal help. So I took my pain pills. And promptly fell asleep. Damn. I woke at 7pm in a total panic. My camp mates watched me in shock as I started crying and tore around my tent trying to get dressed quickly and then whined at them to help me get my shoes on. I have never pedaled a bike so fast in my life. My legs felt like noodles as I pulled up at the Mng. I noted in relief that the place was still crowded and in full swing. I then noted in total panic that the place was still crowded and in full swing. I don't do well in crowds, I get a little agoraphobic and overwhelmed. I have a hard time focusing and making conversation when it is noisy and too many people are talking. I don't like to call attention to myself so will often just stay quiet and watch. I did this for about 30 minutes before I found the name tag table. With my name tag on I felt totally different. I felt welcomed and included by default. I felt important enough to speak up and make friends. I started to think that maybe I just needed to always wear a name tag. It felt so wonderful to recognize and be recognized by all the eplayans.
Thank you Jkisha for making the nametags. You will never know how much that made me feel okay and comfortable that evening. Thank you to everyone I got to talk to and who hugged me and made me feel welcome. Who listened to my words as if they were important to them and valued my presence. Maryanimal you were so sweet and lovely. Eric was funny and open. Foxfur his usual adorable self. AntiM brash, loud, and totally funny. Knowmad truly touched me with his words and out of everyone made me feel the most welcome and relaxed. Savannah was as kind in person as she is on the board. MyDearFriend has the best hugs. Fishy was cynical in such a good way and made me laugh. Misa was happy and smiling. And the list goes on. If I didn't mention you then don't worry, you still made an impression and made my Thursday the best day at burning man. Thank you all so much.
The rest of my burn was alternating between extreme bouts of fun with my mates and extreme exhaustion and rest back at camp. I made certain to take four hours out of my day Friday and just ride around taking pictures of everything. I always forget pictures every year and was so happy that I made time this year to go out and capture some memories. I finally got to see the temple burn, I had always had to leave before Sunday in the past and was really moved to be able to watch the temple burn this year. I finally got to do something I had always wanted and place something special in the temple. Though it has been many years since I suffered the miscarriage the memory still had too much power to upset me. I placed the name I had
chosen for my child in the temple and finally said goodbye. Some may not appreciate the temple burn but for me it allowed a certain amount of closure that I had never found before. I have not been able to get pregnant since... so it was important.
As Monday morning dawned the thought finally entered my head that I needed some way to get out of BRC. I needed somewhere to go. I have many family and friends in California as I grew up there and figured that was my best bet. As most my mates were from LA I decided that was the best place to head. Or at least the easiest. I was hoping at some point to see me Gran in Fresno as we are very close and it has been two years since the last time I visited. But I honestly thought that was not going to be feasible. And I needed some way to get all my stuff to LA with me. My camp vowed that they would get me there somehow and we began the process of seeing where me and my stuff fit. Most everyone was leaving the next morning on Tuesday and they figured out that my camp supplies would fit in the big truck they had along. But I still had no where to fit me. No one had room in their cars for a body. At least not a live one.
Keep reading for Part Eight, where I ride in a van like a sardine, spend 3 hours looking for a shower, and break into a car.
As Thursday approached I was super excited to go to the Meet n' Greet at Barbie Death Camp. I awoke Thursday with dread in my heart because I was in crazy amounts of pain. I honestly didn't do much and rested a lot but as the MnG approached I knew I needed medicinal help. So I took my pain pills. And promptly fell asleep. Damn. I woke at 7pm in a total panic. My camp mates watched me in shock as I started crying and tore around my tent trying to get dressed quickly and then whined at them to help me get my shoes on. I have never pedaled a bike so fast in my life. My legs felt like noodles as I pulled up at the Mng. I noted in relief that the place was still crowded and in full swing. I then noted in total panic that the place was still crowded and in full swing. I don't do well in crowds, I get a little agoraphobic and overwhelmed. I have a hard time focusing and making conversation when it is noisy and too many people are talking. I don't like to call attention to myself so will often just stay quiet and watch. I did this for about 30 minutes before I found the name tag table. With my name tag on I felt totally different. I felt welcomed and included by default. I felt important enough to speak up and make friends. I started to think that maybe I just needed to always wear a name tag. It felt so wonderful to recognize and be recognized by all the eplayans.
Thank you Jkisha for making the nametags. You will never know how much that made me feel okay and comfortable that evening. Thank you to everyone I got to talk to and who hugged me and made me feel welcome. Who listened to my words as if they were important to them and valued my presence. Maryanimal you were so sweet and lovely. Eric was funny and open. Foxfur his usual adorable self. AntiM brash, loud, and totally funny. Knowmad truly touched me with his words and out of everyone made me feel the most welcome and relaxed. Savannah was as kind in person as she is on the board. MyDearFriend has the best hugs. Fishy was cynical in such a good way and made me laugh. Misa was happy and smiling. And the list goes on. If I didn't mention you then don't worry, you still made an impression and made my Thursday the best day at burning man. Thank you all so much.
The rest of my burn was alternating between extreme bouts of fun with my mates and extreme exhaustion and rest back at camp. I made certain to take four hours out of my day Friday and just ride around taking pictures of everything. I always forget pictures every year and was so happy that I made time this year to go out and capture some memories. I finally got to see the temple burn, I had always had to leave before Sunday in the past and was really moved to be able to watch the temple burn this year. I finally got to do something I had always wanted and place something special in the temple. Though it has been many years since I suffered the miscarriage the memory still had too much power to upset me. I placed the name I had
chosen for my child in the temple and finally said goodbye. Some may not appreciate the temple burn but for me it allowed a certain amount of closure that I had never found before. I have not been able to get pregnant since... so it was important.
As Monday morning dawned the thought finally entered my head that I needed some way to get out of BRC. I needed somewhere to go. I have many family and friends in California as I grew up there and figured that was my best bet. As most my mates were from LA I decided that was the best place to head. Or at least the easiest. I was hoping at some point to see me Gran in Fresno as we are very close and it has been two years since the last time I visited. But I honestly thought that was not going to be feasible. And I needed some way to get all my stuff to LA with me. My camp vowed that they would get me there somehow and we began the process of seeing where me and my stuff fit. Most everyone was leaving the next morning on Tuesday and they figured out that my camp supplies would fit in the big truck they had along. But I still had no where to fit me. No one had room in their cars for a body. At least not a live one.
Keep reading for Part Eight, where I ride in a van like a sardine, spend 3 hours looking for a shower, and break into a car.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
My Epic Journey Home - Part Six
So I was finally at Burning Man. It was almost overwhelming. I had put myself through a lot of stress both physically and mentally to get myself to this point. Now that I was here I had to keep myself from collapsing and sleeping for the whole week. Thankfully I had prepared pretty well to make myself very comfy with the least amount of effort. I had a Tent-Cot which made it easy and comfy for me to sleep up off the ground. I had a fan to keep air circulating in the tent. I had said screw it to the usual crappy camp chair and invested in a nice reclining lounger that gave me a lovely place to nap/rest during the day in the shade structure. I had very well made and comfy Doc Marten boots for walking, though they are a bitch to lace up. And I had brought my cane just in case. The last thing I needed to complete my comfy BRC experience was the new beach cruiser I had bought and left strapped to my driver's car.
Tuesday morning dawned bright and clear. I woke with a mission. Retrieve the bike! I dressed for comfort in a long loose tank and bike shorts. Added SPF 100, my cowboy hat, and my utility pouch with water and sundries. I had an address and set off. I was camped at 215 and E, I needed to get to 630 and B. It was quite the hike. I went up and down and all over and just did not see his car or camp. 2 hours has passed at this point and I was running out of water. Time to make friends. I joined a lovely group of burners at the 630 and B corner who put me in the shade and offered me a cold apple soda. I entertained them with the story of my cross country journey and my current search for my bike. After I refreshed myself, I decided he wasn't in this location but maybe he had checked in at center camp. Off I went.
Upon reaching center camp I was informed that though professional photographers checked in and registered with them, they didn't organize the registrations in any way. It was literally a pile of papers. Though I was welcome to go through them, they recommended I check the intranet computers they had set up for camp listings instead. Brilliant! I knew the name of his camp and found a free computer to begin my search. It was at this moment that the intranet decided to crash and all the computers went down. Really? Come on Universe, don't I get a break at this point?!? I decided another rest in the shade was called for and patiently waited for the system to come back up. Thankfully it didn't take long and I was able to call up his camp listing which let me know he was at 745 and J. Nowhere near where he had told me to search. Of course. I set off yet again.
I approached his camp with trepidation. I wasn't sure what to expect and I hadn't let any of my friend's come with me for fear they would try and kill the dude. I hailed the camp and asked if he was here. His head popped out and with a smile he welcomed me and came over to get my bike down. He kept up a steady chatter while I just stared at him. He pretty much acted like the last 5 days had not happened. He even asked about stopping by my camp for a bike fix (my camp is full of gear heads and we do bike repair for those that come by) and I said sure, but proceeded to tell him the address of a different camp doing bike repair. No way was I letting him near my camp, he'd be crucified and used to decorate our bar. I grabbed my bike, wished him well, and took the fuck off. While it had taken me 4 hours to find my bike, with the luxury of having it, it only took me about 7 minutes to get back to my camp. However that little debacle pretty much wiped me out. I spent the rest of the day curled up in my recliner with a book. My mates would check in on me occasionally to see if I was okay and once evening hit we had a big party in our bar. I was able to obtain a stool right next to the bartender and let the entertainment come to me.
Coming next: Part Seven, where I wear more comfy clothes, bitch about how far away the jots are, and actually remember to take photos with my camera.
Tuesday morning dawned bright and clear. I woke with a mission. Retrieve the bike! I dressed for comfort in a long loose tank and bike shorts. Added SPF 100, my cowboy hat, and my utility pouch with water and sundries. I had an address and set off. I was camped at 215 and E, I needed to get to 630 and B. It was quite the hike. I went up and down and all over and just did not see his car or camp. 2 hours has passed at this point and I was running out of water. Time to make friends. I joined a lovely group of burners at the 630 and B corner who put me in the shade and offered me a cold apple soda. I entertained them with the story of my cross country journey and my current search for my bike. After I refreshed myself, I decided he wasn't in this location but maybe he had checked in at center camp. Off I went.
Upon reaching center camp I was informed that though professional photographers checked in and registered with them, they didn't organize the registrations in any way. It was literally a pile of papers. Though I was welcome to go through them, they recommended I check the intranet computers they had set up for camp listings instead. Brilliant! I knew the name of his camp and found a free computer to begin my search. It was at this moment that the intranet decided to crash and all the computers went down. Really? Come on Universe, don't I get a break at this point?!? I decided another rest in the shade was called for and patiently waited for the system to come back up. Thankfully it didn't take long and I was able to call up his camp listing which let me know he was at 745 and J. Nowhere near where he had told me to search. Of course. I set off yet again.
I approached his camp with trepidation. I wasn't sure what to expect and I hadn't let any of my friend's come with me for fear they would try and kill the dude. I hailed the camp and asked if he was here. His head popped out and with a smile he welcomed me and came over to get my bike down. He kept up a steady chatter while I just stared at him. He pretty much acted like the last 5 days had not happened. He even asked about stopping by my camp for a bike fix (my camp is full of gear heads and we do bike repair for those that come by) and I said sure, but proceeded to tell him the address of a different camp doing bike repair. No way was I letting him near my camp, he'd be crucified and used to decorate our bar. I grabbed my bike, wished him well, and took the fuck off. While it had taken me 4 hours to find my bike, with the luxury of having it, it only took me about 7 minutes to get back to my camp. However that little debacle pretty much wiped me out. I spent the rest of the day curled up in my recliner with a book. My mates would check in on me occasionally to see if I was okay and once evening hit we had a big party in our bar. I was able to obtain a stool right next to the bartender and let the entertainment come to me.
Coming next: Part Seven, where I wear more comfy clothes, bitch about how far away the jots are, and actually remember to take photos with my camera.
My Epic Journey Home - Part Five
My hero ferried me all the way to Gigsville and helped me track down my camp. The sense of relief and happiness that swelled in my heart as I saw my friend's familiar faces almost had me fainting. Fishy waited patiently while my gear was unloaded, then wished me well as she took off for her own camp. I collapsed at my camp's bar and told them all the story of my journey. They were outraged and out for blood. They wanted to know where this guy was camping. As briefly satisfying as that might have been I refused to tell them and let them know all the guy needed was some sleep and a sandwich. I planned to stop by the medics next day and ask them to look in on him when he arrived. Then they all asked the million dollar question.: How are you going to get home to Virginia?
I hadn't even though that far ahead yet. On the way into the Burn I had called my mother and boyfriend to update them on what was happening. I love my family. No one panicked, they just asked if I was okay, then told me to have fun and that we would be in touch and figure it all out after the burn. Worse case scenario I knew I could at least get back to Reno where I had hotel reservations for after the burn. My camp mates also all reassured me not to worry. Enjoy the week and at the end of it we would figure out how to get me somewhere safe. I love those guys. These are people who I only ever see at the burn. They are a group of bike riding anarchists out of LA that really know how to have a good time and are extremely loyal to those they consider part of their group. At my first burn in 2008 I had been taken in and adopted by these people simply because they knew my best friend. I have been camping with them every burn since. This year was our first year moving in with Gigsville and I could already tell we were right at home.
I got my small tent set up in our communal shade structure, lashed on my water bottle, grabbed a cup for booze, and headed right to our bar to relax and spend my first night in BRC having a good low key time. I needed to unwind after the stress of the last 5 days. My mates served up drinks, laughs, great music, and camaraderie. I relaxed into my seat and watched the crazy antics, the dancing, the pranks. In the distance I could see the velodrome my camp had built for bike races. For those of you going "huh?" a velodrome is an arena for track cycling featuring steeply banked sides so that it basically looks like a large wooden bowl. You climb up, perch precariously on the side, get situated on your bike, and then take off down into the bowl and race around and around until you fall down. At least that's how we did it.
The burn this year was very different for me from previous years. It almost felt like this was my real virgin year. I felt like I had had such an easy time my first two years. This third year was the struggle and travail that I had always expected in the past. I savored everything around me so much more. I felt like I had worked so hard for it that it made it all so much more precious. It also was very different for me because of my health. I knew right from the start that I was going to be spending the majority of my time resting in camp. I had carefully selected a few important things to me during the week that I wanted to attend, but other than that made no plans or demands upon myself. But first, I had to get my bike.
Up next: Part Six, in which I spend four hours finding my bike, ditch cool costumes for the comfy clothes I knew I'd end up living in, and have an allergic reaction to pickled eggs.
I hadn't even though that far ahead yet. On the way into the Burn I had called my mother and boyfriend to update them on what was happening. I love my family. No one panicked, they just asked if I was okay, then told me to have fun and that we would be in touch and figure it all out after the burn. Worse case scenario I knew I could at least get back to Reno where I had hotel reservations for after the burn. My camp mates also all reassured me not to worry. Enjoy the week and at the end of it we would figure out how to get me somewhere safe. I love those guys. These are people who I only ever see at the burn. They are a group of bike riding anarchists out of LA that really know how to have a good time and are extremely loyal to those they consider part of their group. At my first burn in 2008 I had been taken in and adopted by these people simply because they knew my best friend. I have been camping with them every burn since. This year was our first year moving in with Gigsville and I could already tell we were right at home.
I got my small tent set up in our communal shade structure, lashed on my water bottle, grabbed a cup for booze, and headed right to our bar to relax and spend my first night in BRC having a good low key time. I needed to unwind after the stress of the last 5 days. My mates served up drinks, laughs, great music, and camaraderie. I relaxed into my seat and watched the crazy antics, the dancing, the pranks. In the distance I could see the velodrome my camp had built for bike races. For those of you going "huh?" a velodrome is an arena for track cycling featuring steeply banked sides so that it basically looks like a large wooden bowl. You climb up, perch precariously on the side, get situated on your bike, and then take off down into the bowl and race around and around until you fall down. At least that's how we did it.
The burn this year was very different for me from previous years. It almost felt like this was my real virgin year. I felt like I had had such an easy time my first two years. This third year was the struggle and travail that I had always expected in the past. I savored everything around me so much more. I felt like I had worked so hard for it that it made it all so much more precious. It also was very different for me because of my health. I knew right from the start that I was going to be spending the majority of my time resting in camp. I had carefully selected a few important things to me during the week that I wanted to attend, but other than that made no plans or demands upon myself. But first, I had to get my bike.
Up next: Part Six, in which I spend four hours finding my bike, ditch cool costumes for the comfy clothes I knew I'd end up living in, and have an allergic reaction to pickled eggs.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
My Epic Journey Home - Part Four
So there I am trapped in a hotel room with a lunatic. I no longer feel safe with him. I think he is a danger to himself too. It was at this moment of stale mate that Fishy texted me that she was up and wanted coffee. What about me? It was 6:30 am. My instant response was, "what room are you in?". As soon as she responded I grabbed my key card and fled the room. I showed up at Fishy's door in my pajamas and probably looking a little haggard. Though we had never met before she welcomed me into her room, had me sit, and listened as I poured out what had been happening to me the last four days. She reassured me that I was not over reacting, that his behaviour was unacceptable, and that she was pretty sure she had room in her van for me. I was shocked at how readily she welcomed me into her life and vehicle. She didn't know me at all. Being disabled herself also meant that she had her own special needs to worry about. And here she was taking on me and my problems. My hero! In that moment I knew it would be alright and I could relax finally.
My mind made up, I returned to the room, told him we were separating, that since he didn't feel safe with me anymore, that I would go my own way. I followed him down to the car, grabbing a bellhop along the way. I explained I was kicking this man out of my room and asked for his help getting my stuff out of his car. The bellhop was happy to help. The only thing I couldn't manage was my bike. It was lashed too tightly down and Fishy had nowhere for a bike. My former driver promised to get it to Burning Man for me and I could come by his camp later in the week and get it. I looked at him in disbelief but at this point I just wanted him gone. If I lost the bike I figured it was worth it. Most probably though he would make it to Burning Man, because he was a working photographer for them. He had an actual job to do at the burn. I told him thanks, left him with my food and water as I knew he didn't have money to get his own, and implored him to get some rest before he ended up hurting himself or someone else.
I met back up with Fishy and we got breakfast. I couldn't believe this virtual stranger had just come to my rescue. I felt like I had no adequate way to even express my thanks to her. She had literally kept me calm, kept me from getting stranded in Reno, and was going to help me get supplies and drive me to BRC. She couldn't know this, but I am quite introverted and prone to panic attacks. I don't know what would have happened to me without her. After loading up on supplies and loading up her van in tetris like fashion, we got under way. Fishy has the same dry cynical humour as I do and our ride to the gate and our subsequent wait at said gate turned out to be one of my best. I hope she enjoyed herself as much as I did. I laughed and barely noticed how long we waited. We entered the city at night fall.
Fishy was my hero that day and everyone else on eplaya as well. If it hadn't been for this forum and the wonderful people I have met I would not have even known Fishy. I also knew in the back of my head that I had this forum at my fingertips to be able to reach the burner community and ask for help if anything else crazy happened. Thank you one and all. You made my burn this year.
Stay tuned for Part Five in which fun is had, things burn, people are met, and I figure out a way to get out of BRC at the end of the week.
My mind made up, I returned to the room, told him we were separating, that since he didn't feel safe with me anymore, that I would go my own way. I followed him down to the car, grabbing a bellhop along the way. I explained I was kicking this man out of my room and asked for his help getting my stuff out of his car. The bellhop was happy to help. The only thing I couldn't manage was my bike. It was lashed too tightly down and Fishy had nowhere for a bike. My former driver promised to get it to Burning Man for me and I could come by his camp later in the week and get it. I looked at him in disbelief but at this point I just wanted him gone. If I lost the bike I figured it was worth it. Most probably though he would make it to Burning Man, because he was a working photographer for them. He had an actual job to do at the burn. I told him thanks, left him with my food and water as I knew he didn't have money to get his own, and implored him to get some rest before he ended up hurting himself or someone else.
I met back up with Fishy and we got breakfast. I couldn't believe this virtual stranger had just come to my rescue. I felt like I had no adequate way to even express my thanks to her. She had literally kept me calm, kept me from getting stranded in Reno, and was going to help me get supplies and drive me to BRC. She couldn't know this, but I am quite introverted and prone to panic attacks. I don't know what would have happened to me without her. After loading up on supplies and loading up her van in tetris like fashion, we got under way. Fishy has the same dry cynical humour as I do and our ride to the gate and our subsequent wait at said gate turned out to be one of my best. I hope she enjoyed herself as much as I did. I laughed and barely noticed how long we waited. We entered the city at night fall.
Fishy was my hero that day and everyone else on eplaya as well. If it hadn't been for this forum and the wonderful people I have met I would not have even known Fishy. I also knew in the back of my head that I had this forum at my fingertips to be able to reach the burner community and ask for help if anything else crazy happened. Thank you one and all. You made my burn this year.
Stay tuned for Part Five in which fun is had, things burn, people are met, and I figure out a way to get out of BRC at the end of the week.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
My Epic Journey Home - Part Three
Let's take a moment to recap so far.
In five days time I have:
-gathered the gas/travel money I raised through the kindness of my family
-packed all my items which are extensive because of my disabilities in one large duffel and a plastic bucket
-tracked down a ride/driver from Virginia to BRC
-waited while he took 7 hours to pack a car with almost nothing useful for Burning Man
-traveled with said driver over halfway across the US listened to him ramble about the most random and crazy subjects non-stop in the car waited while he took pit stops and literally disappeared for an hour or so into a truck stop or Walmart
-hid my annoyance with his disappearing acts and erratic behavior
-tamped down my worry over his drug abuse, non-sleep, and non-eating
-watched a storm approach on the horizon as our car broke down at sunset in nowhere Kansas
-listened to my driver verbally abuse his mother on the phone for 3 hours
-paid for his car to be fixed
-listened as he accused me of saying things and then start arguments with me over them
-talked him out of driving off the road near the salt pans to test out his "performance vehicle"
-done all this on no pain pills as they make me terribly car sick even though my pain level is prolly a 9 at this point
We began our last leg of the journey to Reno. We are sleep deprived. We are dirty. We are irritable and none too fond of the other at this point. I am faking sleep in the car so he won't talk to me. He is getting pissed at me sleeping cause he needs me to keep him amused and awake. For my own safety I humour him. We go through the salt pans in Utah where I have a heart stoping moment as he suggests we off road in his sports car. As if we aren't already spending too much on gas. Oh did I say we? I meant I have spent too much on gas. He has paid nothing up to this point because he won't have any money til he gets paid September 1st. And the bad oil and subsequent break down has cost us an extra $300 more than I originally calculated. He said as a joke when we began the trip that we would end it hating each other. Too late. We aren't halfway through and I already hate him. I just keep thinking Reno will fix this. We will calm down, get some rest, and be on the last golden stretch to the burn.
Miraculously we make it and check into the Sands Resort and Casino on Sunday evening. I'm so excited! The weight on my shoulders lifts and I just feel exhilerated and ready to get to Burning Man tomorrow. I shower and order tons of room service. I check in with my eplaya friend Fishy (the Cryptofishist) as I know she is staying at the Sands as well. She lets me know she is broken down on the side of the road. I worriedly text her back and demand to know if she is alright and if someone is with her. I try to imagine how we will go get her if she needs it. Our car is tiny and filled with pointless crap. She texts yes she is ok and with someone. I calm down, stuff my face, and begin to tally up the travel receipts and make a shopping list. Fishy finally arrives which makes me happy but tells me she is tired and I confirm I am as well. We leave it open ended whether we will meet in the morning.
During all this time my driver is wandering in and out of the room, to go smoke downstairs, but then he'd get lost and turned around in the casino. Every time he returned he appeared more agitated. He ignored the shower and lovely bed. He ignored the food. He set up his computer and worked up an ire over the fact that he couldn't pick up any wifi to get internet connectivity. He noticed me tallying up receipts and seemed to get angry at me over this. He implied I was an idiot and couldn't tally them properly. He took them away from me at this point and started to shuffle them around on the desk. He started to panic about having enough money to get home after the burn. He berated me over and over about the money and what he would have to do to raise more for us. I stared at him in shock for awhile over his outburst and finally interrupted him to let him know we were fine for money and I would of course be able to cover my share of gas on the way home. He then began screaming at me "Then why would you tell me you don't have enough money and let me get all worked up and worried!?!"
I am really tired and confused at this point. I tell him I never said any such thing and ask him to stop screaming at me. I am lying in bed at this point trying to get some sleep. He proceeds to stand over me and call me crazy and yell at me about my lack of intelligence and just generally get verbally abusive. I begin to cry which seems to make him even angrier. He paces, he gesticulates, he screams. I cried and huddled in bed. This continued for about 4 hours. You may wonder why I let this go on. I am not totally sure myself but I can say that I was in shock. In that moment he very much reminded me of an ex-boyfriend. A man who spent two years knocking down my self esteem and verbally abusing me. It took me a long time to get away from him and get my head on straight after that experience. But in that hotel room I fell right back into my victim mentality and let him terrorize me for four hours.
I had been asking the entire time for him to calm down and stop yelling at me. I finally stopped being upset/shocked and got angry. I snapped. I sat up in bed and yelled back at him once and for all to stop screaming at me and to sit the fuck down and maybe even get some sleep. I did scream, but I didn't get out of bed, I didn't make any movements, and I did not threaten him with anything. I am a disabled female crying in a bed.
You would have thought I had just physically assaulted him or pulled a gun on him. He proceeded to shrink back, huddle in on himself, and accuse me of threatening him. He said I was mentally deranged, that he feared for my safety, that maybe he should call the authorities and have a doctor take custody of me. He started to scream at me again, how could I do this to him, how could I keep him from sleeping after he'd been awake 4 days, how could I threaten him. I asked him what the hell he was talking about. How was I keeping him from sleep, how was I a "threat"? He screamed back at me that I was obviously a violent individual, that he feared for his safety, and how could he sleep when he knew I would take the opportunity to stab and kill him? I proceeded to leap out of bed, pick up the phone, and tell him I was calling the cops if he didn't shut up and stop screaming at me. He then went and huddled in the corner. I returned to bed with no idea of what to do. I knew I needed him gone because if he thought I was a threat to him, he would eventually snap and become a threat to me.
In five days time I have:
-gathered the gas/travel money I raised through the kindness of my family
-packed all my items which are extensive because of my disabilities in one large duffel and a plastic bucket
-tracked down a ride/driver from Virginia to BRC
-waited while he took 7 hours to pack a car with almost nothing useful for Burning Man
-traveled with said driver over halfway across the US listened to him ramble about the most random and crazy subjects non-stop in the car waited while he took pit stops and literally disappeared for an hour or so into a truck stop or Walmart
-hid my annoyance with his disappearing acts and erratic behavior
-tamped down my worry over his drug abuse, non-sleep, and non-eating
-watched a storm approach on the horizon as our car broke down at sunset in nowhere Kansas
-listened to my driver verbally abuse his mother on the phone for 3 hours
-paid for his car to be fixed
-listened as he accused me of saying things and then start arguments with me over them
-talked him out of driving off the road near the salt pans to test out his "performance vehicle"
-done all this on no pain pills as they make me terribly car sick even though my pain level is prolly a 9 at this point
We began our last leg of the journey to Reno. We are sleep deprived. We are dirty. We are irritable and none too fond of the other at this point. I am faking sleep in the car so he won't talk to me. He is getting pissed at me sleeping cause he needs me to keep him amused and awake. For my own safety I humour him. We go through the salt pans in Utah where I have a heart stoping moment as he suggests we off road in his sports car. As if we aren't already spending too much on gas. Oh did I say we? I meant I have spent too much on gas. He has paid nothing up to this point because he won't have any money til he gets paid September 1st. And the bad oil and subsequent break down has cost us an extra $300 more than I originally calculated. He said as a joke when we began the trip that we would end it hating each other. Too late. We aren't halfway through and I already hate him. I just keep thinking Reno will fix this. We will calm down, get some rest, and be on the last golden stretch to the burn.
Miraculously we make it and check into the Sands Resort and Casino on Sunday evening. I'm so excited! The weight on my shoulders lifts and I just feel exhilerated and ready to get to Burning Man tomorrow. I shower and order tons of room service. I check in with my eplaya friend Fishy (the Cryptofishist) as I know she is staying at the Sands as well. She lets me know she is broken down on the side of the road. I worriedly text her back and demand to know if she is alright and if someone is with her. I try to imagine how we will go get her if she needs it. Our car is tiny and filled with pointless crap. She texts yes she is ok and with someone. I calm down, stuff my face, and begin to tally up the travel receipts and make a shopping list. Fishy finally arrives which makes me happy but tells me she is tired and I confirm I am as well. We leave it open ended whether we will meet in the morning.
During all this time my driver is wandering in and out of the room, to go smoke downstairs, but then he'd get lost and turned around in the casino. Every time he returned he appeared more agitated. He ignored the shower and lovely bed. He ignored the food. He set up his computer and worked up an ire over the fact that he couldn't pick up any wifi to get internet connectivity. He noticed me tallying up receipts and seemed to get angry at me over this. He implied I was an idiot and couldn't tally them properly. He took them away from me at this point and started to shuffle them around on the desk. He started to panic about having enough money to get home after the burn. He berated me over and over about the money and what he would have to do to raise more for us. I stared at him in shock for awhile over his outburst and finally interrupted him to let him know we were fine for money and I would of course be able to cover my share of gas on the way home. He then began screaming at me "Then why would you tell me you don't have enough money and let me get all worked up and worried!?!"
I am really tired and confused at this point. I tell him I never said any such thing and ask him to stop screaming at me. I am lying in bed at this point trying to get some sleep. He proceeds to stand over me and call me crazy and yell at me about my lack of intelligence and just generally get verbally abusive. I begin to cry which seems to make him even angrier. He paces, he gesticulates, he screams. I cried and huddled in bed. This continued for about 4 hours. You may wonder why I let this go on. I am not totally sure myself but I can say that I was in shock. In that moment he very much reminded me of an ex-boyfriend. A man who spent two years knocking down my self esteem and verbally abusing me. It took me a long time to get away from him and get my head on straight after that experience. But in that hotel room I fell right back into my victim mentality and let him terrorize me for four hours.
I had been asking the entire time for him to calm down and stop yelling at me. I finally stopped being upset/shocked and got angry. I snapped. I sat up in bed and yelled back at him once and for all to stop screaming at me and to sit the fuck down and maybe even get some sleep. I did scream, but I didn't get out of bed, I didn't make any movements, and I did not threaten him with anything. I am a disabled female crying in a bed.
You would have thought I had just physically assaulted him or pulled a gun on him. He proceeded to shrink back, huddle in on himself, and accuse me of threatening him. He said I was mentally deranged, that he feared for my safety, that maybe he should call the authorities and have a doctor take custody of me. He started to scream at me again, how could I do this to him, how could I keep him from sleeping after he'd been awake 4 days, how could I threaten him. I asked him what the hell he was talking about. How was I keeping him from sleep, how was I a "threat"? He screamed back at me that I was obviously a violent individual, that he feared for his safety, and how could he sleep when he knew I would take the opportunity to stab and kill him? I proceeded to leap out of bed, pick up the phone, and tell him I was calling the cops if he didn't shut up and stop screaming at me. He then went and huddled in the corner. I returned to bed with no idea of what to do. I knew I needed him gone because if he thought I was a threat to him, he would eventually snap and become a threat to me.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
My Epic Journey Home - Part Two
We began our trip on Thursday, August 25, at 2:35 am. We needed to reach Reno by Sunday. I had driven to his home the previous afternoon and we had spent all night packing. I use this term lightly because you see, though I was packed neatly, and all my items obsessively labeled, he literally just threw a bunch of stuff in the car on top of mine. He packed barely any clothes and no shelter, but he brought a full computer, extra screen and all his photography equipment. I understood that he was working as a photographer for the burn but his apparent unpreparedness worried me. He seemed very erratic and easily distracted. He told me he had PTSD and ADD. He had a prescription for Adderall. But he also seemed very sweet and intelligent. Who am I to judge another's issues? I am bipolar after all. It tends to make me very tolerant of other people's oddities. So we began our trip.
It began well enough but went down hill quickly. We drove and drove until nightfall again and somewhere in Missouri I decided we needed a good night's sleep, so I paid for a motel. I woke up the next morning to find him still awake having not slept at all. We got on the road and I continued to watch in concern as he also wasn't eating. I began to be a little uneasy as he kept popping more and more of his Adderall. On no sleep and no food. In Kansas right before we hit Nebraska the car broke down. I wasn't alarmed because he rationally figured out that the oil change he got before we left must have been done incorrectly. You see he has a turbo and the car was acting like it had regular oil in it instead of synthetic. This causes things to gunk up and over heat. When the car cooled we got back on the road and headed to our hotel we already had booked in Nebraska. We knew we would have to get the car looked at the next day. I thought the issue was decided on. I went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning to find him still awake after obsessively spending the entire night researching his engine online, calling his mother to yell at her about the oil change (she's the one who took the car to the mechanic for him), posting inflammatory and histrionic statements on facebook, and then finally getting a call from his father and yelling at him too for "taking his mother's side". I managed to get him calmed down and in the car but it was 1:00 pm at this point. I was getting seriously annoyed but kept it well hidden so as not to antagonize him further. We took the car to jiffy lube where I paid for an engine flush and fresh synthetic oil. The car fixed, I now turned my attention on my driver. He was unkempt, wild-eyed, and rambling at this point. He continued to pop Adderall like vitamins. Again on no sleep and no food. He was convinced we could push through and hit Reno by Sunday evening. After a heated argument in a parking lot we got on the road. He kept occasionally accusing me of saying things I hadn't really said, starting irritating yet small arguments. I humored him to shut him up. I just wanted to get to Reno. It became a mantra in my head. Reno. Reno. Reno. I thought he was just obsessing about this as well and would calm down and get some rest once we hit Reno. I had never wanted to see a city more.
It began well enough but went down hill quickly. We drove and drove until nightfall again and somewhere in Missouri I decided we needed a good night's sleep, so I paid for a motel. I woke up the next morning to find him still awake having not slept at all. We got on the road and I continued to watch in concern as he also wasn't eating. I began to be a little uneasy as he kept popping more and more of his Adderall. On no sleep and no food. In Kansas right before we hit Nebraska the car broke down. I wasn't alarmed because he rationally figured out that the oil change he got before we left must have been done incorrectly. You see he has a turbo and the car was acting like it had regular oil in it instead of synthetic. This causes things to gunk up and over heat. When the car cooled we got back on the road and headed to our hotel we already had booked in Nebraska. We knew we would have to get the car looked at the next day. I thought the issue was decided on. I went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning to find him still awake after obsessively spending the entire night researching his engine online, calling his mother to yell at her about the oil change (she's the one who took the car to the mechanic for him), posting inflammatory and histrionic statements on facebook, and then finally getting a call from his father and yelling at him too for "taking his mother's side". I managed to get him calmed down and in the car but it was 1:00 pm at this point. I was getting seriously annoyed but kept it well hidden so as not to antagonize him further. We took the car to jiffy lube where I paid for an engine flush and fresh synthetic oil. The car fixed, I now turned my attention on my driver. He was unkempt, wild-eyed, and rambling at this point. He continued to pop Adderall like vitamins. Again on no sleep and no food. He was convinced we could push through and hit Reno by Sunday evening. After a heated argument in a parking lot we got on the road. He kept occasionally accusing me of saying things I hadn't really said, starting irritating yet small arguments. I humored him to shut him up. I just wanted to get to Reno. It became a mantra in my head. Reno. Reno. Reno. I thought he was just obsessing about this as well and would calm down and get some rest once we hit Reno. I had never wanted to see a city more.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
My Epic Journey Home - Part One
(To be told in increments, it's a long story. My apologies for any typos.)
I want to share the story of my journey to Burning Man this year. But for me the journey started all the way back at the new year. So many things shaped the eventual way I got to and participated in the burn this year. So many people helped me along the way. I want to tell this story as a thank you to all those people. And as a way for me to process all the many things I experienced along the way as well. If you choose to take the time out of your day and read what I share then I thank you as well.
My year began with a scary diagnosis. 6 hernias in my spine (3 lower lumbar and 3 cervical) as well as numerous other problems. I think I handled it well. I cried for 5 minutes then went back to work. My life began to change in scary ways. On the one hand was the happy news that I finally knew what was wrong with me and that my doctors now knew as well and were taking me seriously all of a sudden. It was nice to not be dismissed anymore. On the other hand, I had to reduce my hours at work and begin physical therapy. I had to begin using a cane and sometimes even a walker. I got a handicap placard for my car. I had to ask for help sometimes even to get dressed or shower. The change that was hardest for me was learning to ask for and accept the help that I so obviously needed. After 6 months of PT and little improvement I had to face the fact that I couldn't work anymore. At least not as I was. I began to train my replacement and then finally in June left on disability leave. It was painful and a relief all at the same time to leave that daily struggle behind. I had spent the last 4 years of my life partly defining myself as an executive assistant though. What was I now?
I spent the first few days of my new work free schedule letting depression and anxiety rule my thoughts. I had been planning since missing Burning Man 2010 (due to the as yet undiagnosed spinal injury and its side effects) to attend in 2011. That hope was beginning to die. I continued seeing my doctors and was referred to a neurosurgeon. The surgeon recommended a triple cervical fusion of the vertebrae in my neck. In July I was in yet another car accident and my surgery had to be postponed until we could get the new swelling in my neck down and take yet another MRI.
At this point I decided I was going to Burning Man even if it killed me. I needed something happy to plan for. You see, I have a deathly fear of hospitals and medical procedures. It is a phobia that grew out of childhood experience. At the age of 11 I spent 2 years watching my best friend wither away in a cancer ward. She survived but the trauma never left me. I knew that without a sufficiently exciting distraction that I would talk my self out of the surgery that I so desperately needed. So you see Burning Man became an important step in my eventual rehabilitation.
I bought my ticket and began the long process of figuring out how to get there. I had little money. I had no credit card. I can't drive for very long. Hell, I can't even sit up for very long. I researched flights. I posted ride shares. I talked
to friends and strangers alike about going with me. Each day that passed was filled with thoughts of the burn and all the details that go into such a plan. I was happy. One day might just be writing a list. Another day, a trip to Goodwill. I sold items I no longer needed on eBay. I did small jobs for my family, like babysit my nephew, to raise money.
I was constantly contacted by interested people for ride shares who would then not respond once I got back to them. My funds were still too low. My disability payments were coming in sporadically and had to be first used to make my health insurance payments. I was frustrated and really worried that maybe I wouldn't be able to go to the burn after all. I was to my horror becoming quite maudlin and self-pitying. I determined to suck it up and just sell my ticket and not go.
Literally right after I made this decision everything changed. My brother and sister-in-law came to me and said that they understood how important the burn was to me this year and knew I needed money. They gave me $600. My parents came back from a trip during which I watched their house and dogs. I did this because they are family and I am happy to help. My father proceeded to pay me $400. I literally fell to the floor and started crying when he gave me the money. All my items sold on eBay and I netted another $160. I now had plenty of money, but no way to get me, all my gear, my clothes, and my bike to the burn. I started to reach out to other people offering rides. I was desperate to go and just needed a ride. I managed to get in contact with one of the Washington DC regional heads and he hooked me up with someone whose ride along had just pulled out on them. I needed a driver and he needed gas money. It also turned out I knew this person as an acquaintance. He was friends with many of my friends and I felt very comfortable after a few long talks about driving across the country with him. Everything seemed to finally be working out.
I want to share the story of my journey to Burning Man this year. But for me the journey started all the way back at the new year. So many things shaped the eventual way I got to and participated in the burn this year. So many people helped me along the way. I want to tell this story as a thank you to all those people. And as a way for me to process all the many things I experienced along the way as well. If you choose to take the time out of your day and read what I share then I thank you as well.
My year began with a scary diagnosis. 6 hernias in my spine (3 lower lumbar and 3 cervical) as well as numerous other problems. I think I handled it well. I cried for 5 minutes then went back to work. My life began to change in scary ways. On the one hand was the happy news that I finally knew what was wrong with me and that my doctors now knew as well and were taking me seriously all of a sudden. It was nice to not be dismissed anymore. On the other hand, I had to reduce my hours at work and begin physical therapy. I had to begin using a cane and sometimes even a walker. I got a handicap placard for my car. I had to ask for help sometimes even to get dressed or shower. The change that was hardest for me was learning to ask for and accept the help that I so obviously needed. After 6 months of PT and little improvement I had to face the fact that I couldn't work anymore. At least not as I was. I began to train my replacement and then finally in June left on disability leave. It was painful and a relief all at the same time to leave that daily struggle behind. I had spent the last 4 years of my life partly defining myself as an executive assistant though. What was I now?
I spent the first few days of my new work free schedule letting depression and anxiety rule my thoughts. I had been planning since missing Burning Man 2010 (due to the as yet undiagnosed spinal injury and its side effects) to attend in 2011. That hope was beginning to die. I continued seeing my doctors and was referred to a neurosurgeon. The surgeon recommended a triple cervical fusion of the vertebrae in my neck. In July I was in yet another car accident and my surgery had to be postponed until we could get the new swelling in my neck down and take yet another MRI.
At this point I decided I was going to Burning Man even if it killed me. I needed something happy to plan for. You see, I have a deathly fear of hospitals and medical procedures. It is a phobia that grew out of childhood experience. At the age of 11 I spent 2 years watching my best friend wither away in a cancer ward. She survived but the trauma never left me. I knew that without a sufficiently exciting distraction that I would talk my self out of the surgery that I so desperately needed. So you see Burning Man became an important step in my eventual rehabilitation.
I bought my ticket and began the long process of figuring out how to get there. I had little money. I had no credit card. I can't drive for very long. Hell, I can't even sit up for very long. I researched flights. I posted ride shares. I talked
to friends and strangers alike about going with me. Each day that passed was filled with thoughts of the burn and all the details that go into such a plan. I was happy. One day might just be writing a list. Another day, a trip to Goodwill. I sold items I no longer needed on eBay. I did small jobs for my family, like babysit my nephew, to raise money.
I was constantly contacted by interested people for ride shares who would then not respond once I got back to them. My funds were still too low. My disability payments were coming in sporadically and had to be first used to make my health insurance payments. I was frustrated and really worried that maybe I wouldn't be able to go to the burn after all. I was to my horror becoming quite maudlin and self-pitying. I determined to suck it up and just sell my ticket and not go.
Literally right after I made this decision everything changed. My brother and sister-in-law came to me and said that they understood how important the burn was to me this year and knew I needed money. They gave me $600. My parents came back from a trip during which I watched their house and dogs. I did this because they are family and I am happy to help. My father proceeded to pay me $400. I literally fell to the floor and started crying when he gave me the money. All my items sold on eBay and I netted another $160. I now had plenty of money, but no way to get me, all my gear, my clothes, and my bike to the burn. I started to reach out to other people offering rides. I was desperate to go and just needed a ride. I managed to get in contact with one of the Washington DC regional heads and he hooked me up with someone whose ride along had just pulled out on them. I needed a driver and he needed gas money. It also turned out I knew this person as an acquaintance. He was friends with many of my friends and I felt very comfortable after a few long talks about driving across the country with him. Everything seemed to finally be working out.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Welcome Back
I've been away quite awhile because shortly after my last post my health took a turn for the worse. I became almost incapacitated by the pain I was in as well as being barely able to walk due to pain in my leg and weakness. I was referred to a spinal specialist and pain management center. I thought it was just going to be more pills for the fibro and the usual run around. To my surprise I finally found out what had been causing so much of my pain and problems for so many years.
The spinal specialist said I very obviously had some sort of spinal injury and ordered MRIs of both my lower lumbar and neck. We discovered 3 herniated disks in each area for a total of 6 disks causing me problems. We immediately began therapeutic medicines and physical therapy. My leg improved but my neck seemed to get worse. The more they tried to touch it or have me exercise it the worse it got. I was referred to a neurosurgeon who told me I would need a triple cervical fusion of the vertebrae in my neck. He felt this was the only thing that may improve my lot and bring me some relief. This was in April of 2011.
I had already reduced my hours at work at this point using FMLA. I was barely coping even with a reduced schedule. I warned them they needed to find a replacement because I was going to have to leave eventually on full disability. I felt horrible leaving a position I had been in for four years and worked so hard at. I had truly established a career finally. But it was not to be. I left for good on June 16th, 2011. On July 4th I was rear ended again. My neck at this point was incapacitating me. The pain was unbearable. Another MRI had to be done to assess the damage before we could even begin to discuss surgery again. Yet during all of this I was still convinced I was going to make it to Burning Man at the end of August.
The spinal specialist said I very obviously had some sort of spinal injury and ordered MRIs of both my lower lumbar and neck. We discovered 3 herniated disks in each area for a total of 6 disks causing me problems. We immediately began therapeutic medicines and physical therapy. My leg improved but my neck seemed to get worse. The more they tried to touch it or have me exercise it the worse it got. I was referred to a neurosurgeon who told me I would need a triple cervical fusion of the vertebrae in my neck. He felt this was the only thing that may improve my lot and bring me some relief. This was in April of 2011.
I had already reduced my hours at work at this point using FMLA. I was barely coping even with a reduced schedule. I warned them they needed to find a replacement because I was going to have to leave eventually on full disability. I felt horrible leaving a position I had been in for four years and worked so hard at. I had truly established a career finally. But it was not to be. I left for good on June 16th, 2011. On July 4th I was rear ended again. My neck at this point was incapacitating me. The pain was unbearable. Another MRI had to be done to assess the damage before we could even begin to discuss surgery again. Yet during all of this I was still convinced I was going to make it to Burning Man at the end of August.
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