My Weekend

I don't really want to talk about it. But it def involved me yelling fuck off at Jeff in the middle of a restaurant in front of his parents.

In retrospect it's kinda of funny. In a totally inappropriate way.

So Apparently Sleep is Important

Between Fibro pain and Bipolar hypo-mania moments (Brought to you by off-brand corn flakes! Buy some today!) sleep is a rare commodity. I am piecing together my day in a series of naps, fitful starts/stops, and full blown insomnia at night. My room is looking cleaner than ever. But I came into work late with shakes so bad I couldn't hold my drink without sloshing.

Trick-or-Treat

Hypo-mania is always such a mixed bag for me. On the one hand, I'm cycling, which can't be good. It throws my sleep schedule off. Makes me bouncy and irritable. I am prone to shouting. Everything stresses me out.

However, I am also tearing through projects at work. Getting out more and being social. Making up for lost time with my friends. Feeling the pain of my fibromyalgia less. (I don't think I am in less pain, I just generally don't notice it as much.)

Is it possible to be this ecstatic/happy and worried/panicked at the same time? Apparently for my hamster-wheel run brain it is.

This is made simpler and more hard by the fact that I am not currently medically treating my bipolar disorder. I take absolutely no stabilizing medications. I have had bad reactions to almost all of them so gave up on them 3 years ago.

I watch what I eat, where I go, who I talk with. I make myself have a regular as fiber weekly schedule. I go to bed and wake up at the same time almost every day. Or at least I did. This use to be enough. But with this upward swing I may need more help again.

The Ides of Insanity

So I am in the middle of it now. Straddling the fence between my version of normalcy and full-blown-toddler-temper-tantrum, otherwise known as mania. I have a complete lucid awareness of the exact moment I become unaware and my mouth runs amok. So far it is only my mouth getting me in trouble, not so much my actions. But don't worry! My actions will catch up eventually! How comforting.

I feel like the rational and calm versions of me are like security guards in my head and they've just been bribed or over-powered. Now the inmates (potty-mouth, inappropriate sharing, paranoid jealousy, and violent tendencies) are rioting. They've set fire to their cells and are screaming for blood.

Dilusional Wishes

It has been 3 years with no major episode. A tiny irrational part of my mind started to think that maybe my bipolar disorder had spontaneously cured itself. The rational part of me knows that to be false. Unfortunately the rational side of me is a weakling and got beat up by my dilusions on the playground.

Now I am cycling up. I have the focus of a 5-year-old on a sugar high. This is doing wonders for my career. Maybe I'll be promoted to "that person who yells things at everyone" though I am not sure that title exists in the company. Or maybe someone in billing has already filled that position. I'll be sure to make inquiries with HR.