7 Tips to Prevent Depression Relapse

7 Tips to Prevent Depression Relapse

Goodbye

This is the horror of depression. Logically I know I have friends I could reach out to. I don't want to. Or I can't. It is just too hard. Breathing is too hard.

I know that some of you are going through some really rough stuff yourself and could use my support. I apologise but I am all used up right now. I am tired. And I want nothing more than to be left alone. I love you but I just can't be bothered right now. I don't care about you because I don't care about anything right now. I know, harsh.

I have been used and lied to and sick and in pain...and it just needs to stop. But it's not going to because that is my life. So I am shutting off right now. I am going to be selfish and alone and self-destructive.

This says it all...

I enjoy The Bloggess so much and her musings bring me joy but this post touched me so deeply because I live it. So many of us do.


http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-fight-goes-on/

5th Anniversary

Jeff and I just celebrated our 5 year anniversary and I must say that it was lovely. We each took the time to come up with a playlist/cd for each other and then spent the evening sharing it while explaining what each song meant to us in the terms of our relationship. We are not an overly romantic couple at all but this night was so very special. I am so thankful to have him in my life and so very thankful that after 12 years of knowing each other he still takes my breath away.

We have weathered so much over the years and I am looking forward to the future with him. Never a dull moment! Our latest endeavor is finding a new place for us to live. And we have exciting plans to spend New Year's Eve in New York City. I am just hoping I can physically manage to keep up with the sight seeing and playing tourist for the holiday. As long as I am up and good for my kiss at midnight I think I'll be okay :)

My Epic Journey Home - Part Nine and The End

So there I am in LA waiting for the bus to Fresno. Everything was delayed. I began to surf facebook to kill some time. I begin to see pictures of places very near my home completely under water. Apparently it is flooding. WTF. I text my Mum and ask her if the house is okay. She says yes, we live on high ground thankfully, but my brother's car is under 8 feet of water. So in the space of three weeks an earthquake, a hurricane, and flooding has hit where I live. I begin to think I am better off in Cali at this point. The girl next to me asks to borrow my phone and we strike up a conversation. She seems shy but very sweet. Once we finally get on the bus we don't sit together but are still close enough to talk when we feel like it. As we get closer to Fresno she seems more worried. We are behind schedule and we are now going to be getting there after dark. I know from her borrowing my phone that she is expected at an intake appointment for the women's shelter. She has asked for the address and walking directions when she was on the phone. I can tell she is not familiar with Fresno or she wouldn't be planning to walk through that area of town at night.

I call my Gran and ask her if my Aunt is picking me up and if she know's where the shelter is. Gran says actually my Aunt works on a contract with them and should know exactly where it is. So for once on this trip instead of relying on others to help me out I am able to pay it forward a bit and give this woman a safe ride to the shelter. It felt nice to help someone else out. I get to my Gran's finally around 930pm. I am so happy because I have not seen her in two years, the longest I've gone without seeing her. We are very close. In fact my whole family is close. While I spend the next week in Fresno I get to see all my Aunts, Uncles, and cousins, as well as family friends. Some of the visit is bittersweet because it just upsets my family. They knew I was not well, but seeing first hand how my health has degenerated and the pain I live in on a daily basis is shocking for them, which is painful for me. But at least I get to spend some quality time with them when I didn't think I would be able to see them at all after Burning Man. It is with a heavy heart that I get back on the bus to catch my flight in LA.

So begins that last leg of my epic journey home. I spend 5 hours on a bus to LA. Then another 30 minutes on a bus to Union Station. Then another hour on a bus to LAX. Then I check in, eat some food, head to my gate, and realize I still have another 4 hours to wait until my flight. And everyone made fun of me for bringing 6 books to Burning Man with me. I kill time reading and surfing the internet on my phone. At one point a flight lands and unloads it passengers in front of me and I swear Henry Winkler gets off the plane and passes me. Finally it is time to board. I am exhausted and in pain and of course can't sleep. It is an overnight flight but I spend the whole 5 hours awake and miserable. I land at 545am. I try to get a hold of my Mum as I disembark but no go. I finally think to call my Dad and he has actually parked and is waiting for me in the airport as I come out at baggage claim. I am so happy to be in Virginia even if I do hate living here :)

So it took almost a full month but I made it home safe and sound. Thank you to all my ePlaya friends who kept me sane while I planned my trip. Thank you to Fishy for saving me in Reno. Thank you to the Tren Way Bike Camp for being awesome friends and taking care of me on playa. Thank you Nicole and Greg for getting my stuff to LA. Thank you Danny and Mims for getting me to LA. Thank you Brendan and his sweet girlfriend for putting me up. Thank you to my cousin Sean for driving all the way to LA and grabbing/storing my stuff for me. Thank you to my parents for helping me to get a plane ticket home. Thank you to my Gran for letting me stay with her a week while I waited for my flight home. Thank you to my family for spending time with me and cheering me up. Thank you to my Dad for picking me up from the airport at such an ungodly hour. And thank you all of you who have spent some time here reading my stories, appreciating my comments, and just generally making this whole experience something to be proud of instead of freaked out about. I love you all.

My Epic Journey Home - Part Eight

Monday evening is fast approaching. Our camp is almost completely broken down. We are pretty sure my gear can be fit in the big truck. At this point I am without a ride. I begin checking with everyone what their riding situation is. My friend Mims, who is here from Austin, Texas with her friend Danny and Heather, points out that someone pulled out of riding with them in their van, they should have room and are going to LA. But they are leaving in a couple hours. I run over and start breaking down my camp immediately. Thankfully it only takes me about 20 minutes. I stack up the items going in the big truck and drag over my duffle and backpack to the van. We've created an open space in the back of the van where we can all fit and even lie down. There are 7 of us total in the van, 5 lying like sardines in the back. It is actually pretty comfortable. I proceed to pull out a book light and read through exodus. It was a really long one this year. Dawn is approaching as we finally leave BRC.

I nap sporadically as we drive and check my cell signal. As soon as a decent hour hits I call my friend Brendan in LA. He's always telling me I need to visit... surprise! I'll be there this afternoon. Can I crash? He tells me of course but he won't be home from work until around 630pm. I tell him we'll cross that bridge when I get to LA. We make good time, stopping occasionally for gas and food. We hit La and begin to drop off the various people where they need to be until it is only the crew from Austin and myself. They are staying at another friend's house, but we have beat that person to LA. We begin our search for a shower. All we can think about is getting clean at this point. The van and us have developed a definite funk. It takes us a while but eventually we manage to get keys to the friend's house they are staying at. Showers at last! I washed my hair three times. It was glorious.

It's about 4pm at this point and everyone wants to head out do stuff so I ask them to drop me at Brendan's house. I know he won't be home yet but I'll figure something out. I am exhausted and and in pain and when I hop out at Brendan's I totally forget my coat and cane in the van. I don't even realize this for 2 more days. I call and he tells me that his car is easy to break into and I can stash my stuff in there. Seriously? So yes, I break into my friend's car and pile my bags up in there. I then grab my purse and go exploring. His place is right in Melrose and there is plenty to reach just by walking. I sit down in a little Pho restaurant and begin stuffing my face with noodle soup and Mexican cola. It's the first real food I've had in over a week and it is delicious. Brendan meets me there after work and we head back to his apartment.

I tell him my crazy story and he says he's happy to have me stay but the bad news is his girlfriend and he are leaving for a wedding in two days. So I only have two days to figure out how to get home or find somewhere else to stay. I know I will be flying home at some point, and that means I also have to find a way to deal with all my camping gear and bike. I can't take them on the plane with me, at least not that I can afford. So I call my cousin who lives outside LA. He says he can easily come pick up and store my stuff for me but I can't stay with him because he is also leaving for a wedding in two days. Why is everyone getting married this weekend?!? I spend the rest of the night looking up flights. All way too expensive and I just give up and go to bed. Maybe things will look better in the morning.

I was completely right to sleep on it because I wake up to an email from Virgin mobile announcing special rates for the following week. I manage to get a flight home for only $120. LA to DC. Now I just need somewhere to stay for a week. I realize this is the perfect opportunity for me to see my Gran. I book a Greyhound bus to Fresno and walk up to the Target to buy a suitcase that will pass for carry on on the bus and flight. The duffle I have could fit a couple bodies and I do not want to check baggage. I somehow manage to pack all the clothes and books on my huge duffle in one small suitcase and my backpack. My lovely cousin drives out the next night and picks up my gear. My friend gives me cab fare and the next day I leave for Fresno. I am gonna get to spend an entire week with my family who I never get to see!

Coming up: Part Nine where I finally get to give some help instead of asking for it, visit with my lovely Gran, and eventually make it home to Virginia.

My Epic Journey Home - Part Seven

Okay the next couple days blur together a little bit. I know at some point I found Fishy's run over by a car water bottle behind our bar and trudged off to Terminal City to return it. I know after I did that I spotted someone I thought I recognized coming out of a camp and sure enough it was Foxfur. We had a quick hug and chat in the middle of the road. I must say it was a little like meeting a celebrity. Here is someone I read about online, see occasional pictures of, and have an idea of who they are in my head, but don't know for sure. I hope he enjoyed meeting me and that I made some sense as I talked because I honestly have no idea what I said to him. I was nervous and hopefully not gushing. I'm pretty sure I don't gush, but you never know.

As Thursday approached I was super excited to go to the Meet n' Greet at Barbie Death Camp. I awoke Thursday with dread in my heart because I was in crazy amounts of pain. I honestly didn't do much and rested a lot but as the MnG approached I knew I needed medicinal help. So I took my pain pills. And promptly fell asleep. Damn. I woke at 7pm in a total panic. My camp mates watched me in shock as I started crying and tore around my tent trying to get dressed quickly and then whined at them to help me get my shoes on. I have never pedaled a bike so fast in my life. My legs felt like noodles as I pulled up at the Mng. I noted in relief that the place was still crowded and in full swing. I then noted in total panic that the place was still crowded and in full swing. I don't do well in crowds, I get a little agoraphobic and overwhelmed. I have a hard time focusing and making conversation when it is noisy and too many people are talking. I don't like to call attention to myself so will often just stay quiet and watch. I did this for about 30 minutes before I found the name tag table. With my name tag on I felt totally different. I felt welcomed and included by default. I felt important enough to speak up and make friends. I started to think that maybe I just needed to always wear a name tag. It felt so wonderful to recognize and be recognized by all the eplayans.

Thank you Jkisha for making the nametags. You will never know how much that made me feel okay and comfortable that evening. Thank you to everyone I got to talk to and who hugged me and made me feel welcome. Who listened to my words as if they were important to them and valued my presence. Maryanimal you were so sweet and lovely. Eric was funny and open. Foxfur his usual adorable self. AntiM brash, loud, and totally funny. Knowmad truly touched me with his words and out of everyone made me feel the most welcome and relaxed. Savannah was as kind in person as she is on the board. MyDearFriend has the best hugs. Fishy was cynical in such a good way and made me laugh. Misa was happy and smiling. And the list goes on. If I didn't mention you then don't worry, you still made an impression and made my Thursday the best day at burning man. Thank you all so much.

The rest of my burn was alternating between extreme bouts of fun with my mates and extreme exhaustion and rest back at camp. I made certain to take four hours out of my day Friday and just ride around taking pictures of everything. I always forget pictures every year and was so happy that I made time this year to go out and capture some memories. I finally got to see the temple burn, I had always had to leave before Sunday in the past and was really moved to be able to watch the temple burn this year. I finally got to do something I had always wanted and place something special in the temple. Though it has been many years since I suffered the miscarriage the memory still had too much power to upset me. I placed the name I had
chosen for my child in the temple and finally said goodbye. Some may not appreciate the temple burn but for me it allowed a certain amount of closure that I had never found before. I have not been able to get pregnant since... so it was important.

As Monday morning dawned the thought finally entered my head that I needed some way to get out of BRC. I needed somewhere to go. I have many family and friends in California as I grew up there and figured that was my best bet. As most my mates were from LA I decided that was the best place to head. Or at least the easiest. I was hoping at some point to see me Gran in Fresno as we are very close and it has been two years since the last time I visited. But I honestly thought that was not going to be feasible. And I needed some way to get all my stuff to LA with me. My camp vowed that they would get me there somehow and we began the process of seeing where me and my stuff fit. Most everyone was leaving the next morning on Tuesday and they figured out that my camp supplies would fit in the big truck they had along. But I still had no where to fit me. No one had room in their cars for a body. At least not a live one.

Keep reading for Part Eight, where I ride in a van like a sardine, spend 3 hours looking for a shower, and break into a car.